U & Me

The girls made these dough figurings in the morning of 14 Sep. They said it's their papa and me. Oh my! Now I know how big my mouth is.

How have you been S? We were just talking about you the other day. The girls remembered you used a belt to beat them a couple of weeks before you left. They asked about reincarnation, life after death, and again, how to look for you or me when they're up there. J ended the conversation by saying, "I feel like crying now."

It's been 2 yrs and slightly more than 3 months. We miss you.

The other day, just 2 Mondays ago, I thought I almost meeting you for a cuppa. I was woken up by this sudden pain in my chest which lasted for 20 - 30mins. Thought I'm not going to make it and said, "Please, I don't have time to chit chat with you now or go jalan jalan. Let me bring up the girls first. They need me. I will see you after both of them are married and found someone to take care of them." Well,I think you heard me. My pain just went off after that and all the checks and scans showed that my heart is still going strong. Wish me luck.

Our ToTo dream

Monday, 13 Oct 08:

Today, the ToTo draw is est to be S$ 3m. Since last Saturday, I have been telling the girls, I will be buying ToTo. If I strike, I can buy 2 condos and rent them out and resign, to be a full time housewife, ferry them to school, fetch them home, engage tutors for them and they don't have to go to HOS anymore. They're happy. They have been asking me to be a housewife for months...especially for the past few months cos I have been so tied up with work.

So last night, Mum and I told the girls they have to wake up happily this morning, don't be grumpy/ cranky or scold each other and the God of Prosperity (Cai Sheng) will visit us. Who knows, their mummy might be lucky and they will have a full time mummy soon :)

When I dropped the girls at school, they're both smiling happily, very cheerful and J even reminded me to buy ToTo. They even hugged each other's shoulder while walking to the parade square. To me, this's one of my happiest moments - my girls are happy and love each other dearly. Really make my day and what a beautiful morning (of course, the fact that all my 3 bosses are not in town make me merrier ;P)

This evening, when I was at HOS, J secretly pulled me to a corner and with a cheeky smile, asked if I have bought Toto. Yes, of course and she's like jumping with joy and almost 100% sure that their being happy and their prayers will bring me luck. J kept pestering me to check the ToTo result from 7.30pm onward and we only turned on the teletext at about 8.45pm and saw of all the 7 numbers on the screen, non of them were the luck 7s selected by J on her B'day. Mum and I just shrugged it off but I saw J rubbing her eyes. Then they got red and wet...when I asked what happened, J cried and said," Wah ~~~~ I want you to be housewife. I don't want you to work. I want you to buy condo and rent it out. I don't want to go HOS. ....Wah ~~~"

Mum and I couldn't help and we laughed out loud. Poor girl, this was the first time I saw her dream shattered so badly. Yes, she's been pestering me to pierce her ears; buy her DS or PSP or PPS..(those handheld games) but my persistent no doesn't dampen her spirit. This time, she seemed torn.

Girl, life is not a bed of roses. I don't like to see you being sad and I know it's also not right for me to paint that ToTo dream to you. We don't always get what we wish for in life. Sometimes, we get double dose of what we didn't ask for. We just have to live in the NoW and cherish what we have, even though it might not be something we enjoy having, there's a reason for it.

I will always remember this morning's happy moments.

A date with the surgeon

Saturday, 9 Aug 08

I think this is the first time in my life that I didn't sit in front of the TV and watch the NDP 2008. Not in the mood and feeling tired.

The lumps on S's neck have mostly subsided except one. That particular big lump continues to grow when S stopped taking her antibiotics. So Wednesday, 6 Aug, her doc suggested S to go under the knife to remove that lump just for the peace of mind and send those tissues for test. Hopefully it's nothing serious.

While waiting for the appointment date and time at the counter, I checked with the KK staff if the doc is an experienced one or a trainee doc. Luckily she said the doc is a Professor and a Senior Surgeon and an Ang Mo. The Professor and the Senior Surgeon part gave me a peace of mind but the girls went Woo... Ahh....Ang Mo and they started giggling about Ang Mos etc and boy...it's embarrassing. They got so excited to meet this Ang Mo Doc before knowing whether it's a She or He or Shim....What's wrong with the kids nowadays? They grow so fast and started to get interested in a lot of things much earlier than our time.

So his coming Tuesday, 12 Aug at 2pm, S and I ... and J will be meeting her surgeon. I supposed S will be going for the day surgery at the earliest possible date. She's worried. I told her that she will be given a mask to breath and after a few seconds, she will be dozzing off and maybe drooling. She won't feel anything and by the time she's awake, she will be back home and ready for dinner. She didn't worry too much I guess but I do.

Ever since M passed on, whenever the girls leave my sight or stay at Lao Da's place, I start to worry and my imagination will go wild....then I will start to cry. His death was too sudden to all of us. I guess this affected me very much and I don't feel secure when I don't see the girls. I'm afraid they will be like him, didn't get to say good-bye and the next thing I knew, he's lying in the hospital covered with white sheet and a tube sticking out of his mouth.

Will S be alright? I supposed it's a very simple op and won't have any complications. But it's on her neck. Will the doc accidentally cut her other veins etc? I'm panicking and yet have to pretend as if nothing worrying cos I don't want S to be worried and scared.

With that bloody office reno going on and forever changing and nothing seems to be going on smoothly; on the home front, S is making me worried sick and with our Lao Dou's ignorance and greed, all these are making me tensed;plus my in-law's direct and indirect questions. I seriously think of quitting my job and be a full time mum.

I hate being torn by work and family. The girls want me to be by their side and fetch them home every day. They're so happy when I went to school and pick them up for S's hospital appointments. J's face really brightened up. S's face glowed and my heart warmed just to see them feeling so happy.

Who were the 8 lucky souls who have won the S$ 8 million ToTo draw yesterday? I haven't check my Toto slips yet but sure hope I am one of them and I can be so close to my girls till they get sick of me :P

S & J - mummy love you and may both of you be blessed with great health and happiness. It's important to get good academic results but I rather you be happy than super smart.

Pray for S that her day surgery will be ok and she'll be fine.

2008 Chinese New Year

7 February 2008: -

The girls in their CNY cheongsam. Plus, a very first visit by my in-laws to our humble abode on 8th Feb. See if you can spot someone who does't belong to the clan and yet, enjoyed being part of the limelight ;P Isn't he cute?

"Gong Gao Le Pak, Chart Chew Boon Pak Gart"

Saturday, 22 March 08: -

Another routine Saturday - morning sent S to Sino Wushu while I went roller blading; back for lunch and sent the 2 girls to Katong Mall for their piano lessons. While driving them home, I detoured to Blk 79 to pick Mum.

On our way back, as usual, J started being very 'Wen Ti Xao Nu' - girl with many questions. Listed as follows: -

1. Mummy, what is your Great Great Great Great Grandfather's name?
-- Girl, my knowledge of my ancestor stopped at Canon Lim's father - Lim Teng Foo. Those koink out before him, I don't know their names
(Mum started laughing at the back seat)

2. Why you don't know their names?
-- Because I didn't see them before and I was too young to remember anything when my grandfather was around.

3. Why you can't remember?
-- When you're very young, your memory was not that developed.

4. Why?
-- Can don't ask me why? I don't have all the answers. You go and read some books and find out.

5. Ok, do you think there is a doctor in an ambulance?
-- Maybe not a doctor, maybe a senior nurse.

6. Why no doctor?
-- I'm not sure, just maybe. Maybe doctors are waiting for those injured at the A&E.

7. What do nurses learn when they go to school?
- They learn how to measure temperature, medical terms, how to bandage the injured and more.

8. How much more?
-- many more.

9. Like what?
-- I don't know.

10. Why you don't know?
-- Cos I didn't go to nursing school.

11. Why you didn't go to nursing school?
-- Cos at that time, nursing doesn't interest me.
(mum was crying at the back......laughed till peng san while S was sleeping)

12. Why it didn't interest you?
-- cos I was more interested in sports

13. Why...
-- Can you stop asking why?

14. I just want to understand
-- Gong Gao Le Pak, Chart Chew Boon Pak Gart (in Hokkien -- meaning, explain to you till you understand, my goatee will entangle). Tian ah ~~~~ Wen Ti Xao Nu!

Terrace House, Semi-D, Bungalow, Condo

Saturday, 29 March 08: -

For the past 5 days, J has been asking me the following questions the moment we started to head for their school: -

Mummy, what is a terrace house?
- it's a single storey house or sometimes a double storey house with both sides joined to another house

What is a semi-detached house?
- means only 1 side is joined to another house, either left or right side.

What is a bungalow?
- it's a house by itself, with neither both left or right joined to another house.

What is a condo?
- it's something like a flat but a very expensive flat, with swimming pools, tennis court etc. You know what a condo is what!

Ok, I know. A Terrace house is one with both sides joined to another house.A Semi-detached is one with one side joined to another. A bungalow is one by itself.
- Yes. That's right.

Can you ask me?
- ask you what?

Ask me what is a terrace house, a semi-d, and a bungalow.
- you knew it. You just repeated them to me what?!!?

Ask lah?
- don't want.

ASk lah?
- don't want lah. You so lor-sor.

Ok, then I tell you.
(she went on repeating all the 3 types of housing. But that's not the end. She continued to have the above conversation with me from Tue - Fri, morning and evening.........) Goodness me. Goodness J.

J is not joining her friends for coffee

Thursday, 27 March 08: -

I was driving home with the girls. We were listening to Joanna Wang's CD and singing half way, J stopped and said, "Mummy, next time, when I grow up and if my friends call me to join them for coffee, I'm not going."

"Why?"

"Cos I am going to tell them I want to stay home and accompany my mummy.".....Oh Sweetie, I melt liao :)

"But by then you might think that I'm a pain and you can't wait to stay away from me."

"No mummy, I am not going to get married. It's so painful to give birth to babies. I will stay with you."

"That's what I said when I was at your age but now I'm a mother of 2....(plus, a widow). When you find a man whom you love so much, you will marry him."

"No, I make sure I won't"

After our dinner, I was using my laptop in the living room. J came and sat next to me. She took a brand new diary, flipped to the first page and scribbled something. Then she pushed that page right in front of my eyes and she wrote in BOLD: -

I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED!!!!

Ha Ha ha! Was that supposed to be a vow? So cute!

Poor girl, sorry to put you through this

Sunday, 30th Mar 08

Woke up by the two girls. Made them a simple breakfast and started cleaning up the living room...which is forever a mess. Then went further by cleaning the shoe cabinet and the store-room.

Moved out all the stuff in the store room and pulled out our big wedding photo. Asked mum if I should throw it away and she asked me to keep it. Well, ok. But S was staring at her Papa and I saw her rubbing her eyes. I quickly pulled it away from her and chucked it into the store. After a while, I didn't see her watching TV. When I popped my head into their study room, she's sitting under her table, holding a small photo frame (with a pic of her dad carrying her when she's less than 4 mths old) and a big jar of paper folded stars). Her eyes were red. I walked to her and she started crying out loud for her Papa. My heart broke.

"S, remembered what Mummy said before? We will meet Papa again in our next lives. He will come back to us again. Don't cry. Don't be sad. I'm sure he misses you too."

Though he has left us for 1 yr and 9 mths, S has fond memories of him and misses him dearly. To put a young girl through the pain of losing her loved one is cruel.

What can I say, I can only remind everyone to take care of their own health for those they love and those who love them.

Enchanted Night , 15 Aug 2007

15 Aug 07 - Enchanted Night @ TKPS

Mum made S & J their costumes - Tinker Bell and Wendy Darling from Peter Pan. Ran out to get their white cotton shoes the night before.

Peacock & 'Peahen'

Wednesday, 13th Feb 08

After dinner, the girls and I were having a little conversation and S wanted to write a list of items which she wanted me to print it out for her science project.

She asked me to name a few types of flowers, trees, animals. Then S added, "Mummy, you must print out coloured pictures of sow and piglets, ma ma bear and baby bear, tiger and cubs, peacock and peahen......"

ME - Girl, wait. What is a peahen?
S - Aiya, Peacock is the boy so 'peahen' is the girl lor.....
ME - !!!!!! LoL (laugh out loud). (Hen = female?) and till now, 14 Feb, when I think of it, I'm still laughing......Peahen....Peahen.... she said it so matter of factly. So cute!

WAIT!!! I just checked the website... there's really a term called 'PEAHEN' = female peacock. But 'peahen' is a less common term. Oh! I feel so ashamed. My girl is more well informed than me. What a shame! I'm so proud of her. Must tell her this when I pick them up this evening. Will sure make her feel good.

Ask Papa to come to my dream

(photo taken on 19 Jun 99 when S's 5 mths old)

Wed, 9th Jan 08: -

S was already sleeping on the bed and J was sleeping with Mum. I was reading the newspapers when S started to call for me. I asked her to give me 5 mins but she started to beg for me.

Wondering what's wrong with S, I went to her and she's crying.

S - Mummy, I miss Papa very much. Why must he go?

Me - Girl, don't cry. Papa has left us and it's bad for you to cry so often. Papa's body was not working any more. He had to go.

S - But I have not been dreaming of him for so long. I really miss him. Can you ask Papa to come back home early? I want to talk to him....

Me - If you keep crying, Papa won't want to go to your dream cos he doesn't want you to cry. Xiao Su dreamt that Papa told him he's very worried. Papa wants you to be happy and don't be sad any more. Try not to cry and Papa will appear in your dreams.

S - Mummy, I miss him so much. I don't want him to leave us. I really miss him

Me - (crying and hugging her so tightly) Yes I know. I miss him too but we cannot go on crying forever. It's bad for our eyes. We will have him in our heart always and I'm sure he's with us too. Just that we can't see him.

S - Ask Papa to come home. Come to my dream. I'm waiting for him. Tell him that ok?

Me - Yes my darling. I love you. Papa loves you too.

What a Pri 2 girl said

Wed, 9th Jan 08: -

The girls and I were having dinner. Mum was sitting with us, taking her medicine. The girls started to talk about their day at school and J said: -

Today ah, Mr L was teaching us Maths hah and a girl in my class raised her hand and Mr L looked at her and said, "Yes....." then that girl said hah...... "Teacher, your mouth is very smelly leh!"......[Ooops!]

~~~Ha ha ha.....we laughed until 'peng san' and Mum laughed until she cried. ~~~

Then Mr L said, "Oh......ah ah ..... I see. Sorry. Maybe you want to try to move back a bit?

J gave us his stunned and embarrassed look...... and according to J, Mr L was so cautious after that and every time before he wanted to talk to the class, he would try to pop a mint sweet.

Poor teacher, I would dig a hole and put my whole body in if I were in his shoes. So pai-seh ;(

Father figure

Thur, 3 Jan 08: -

Mum's in Sydney with Koons so we went to Shu Ying's place for dinner.

I was chatting with Mike after my dinner and told him what S saw last night.

Before S went to bed, she told me she saw something white in the room. It's big. So when I asked her, she said it's her Papa. I just gave her a smile and asked her to go to bed.

That very night, I dreamt of MS. He's wearing some kind of PAP uniform - White pants and white shirt. I can't recall what's the dream about but I guess maybe he's with us that night.

Told Mike that S misses her Dad a lot. Even when listening to songs or when I told them what we did in the past with their father or when she saw the MediaCorp actor - Chen Hong Yu, she said he resembles her Papa a lot.

Mike added that when the girls stayed over at their place, one particular day/ night, Mike was in the living room, sitting on the floor, doing his work and S just went to him and hugged him tightly from his back. After a short while, S started to cry but didn't say why. Mike reckoned that S was missing her Dad terribly. He assured me that he will be a father figure to the girls, which will be a vital part of their growing up years.

Thanks Mike.

I'll Be There

Mon, 10th Dec 07 :-

I was sending the girls to HOS and was listening to The Escape Club's "I'll Be There" .

S said that's my favourite song and I asked them to listen carefully to the lyrics, it's like their Daddy talking to us:

Over mountains, over trees....Over oceans, over seas.... Across the deserts, I'll be there....
In a whisper on the wind, on the smile of a new friend, just think of me.... and I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love, I'll be watching you from above.... and I'd give all the world tonight to be with you...'Cause I'm on your side, and I still care.... I may have died, but I've gone nowhere just think of me, and I'll be there....

On the edge of a waking dream, over rivers, over streams...through wind and rain, I'll be there....Across the wide and open sky...thousands of miles I'd fly, to be with you... I'll be there.....

In the breath of a wind that sighs,...oh,there's no need to cry...just think of me.... and I'll be there......

Just as we were listening to it and I was driving, I looked at the rear mirror and saw S looking out of the window. When she turned her head and looked at me, tear drops just rolled down her cheek..... Maybe I shouldn't talk about their Papa so much.

It hurts me to see her cry and she said, "Mummy, give Papa back to me."

I wish I could.

Animals in the Zoo

Thur, 29 Nov 07

Driving the girls to Hos and stopped by at a traffic light at the junction of Joo Chiat and Dunman Road. There were about 10 Bangladesh workers squatting by the road side waiting for their pick-up.

Me - Can't imagine your dad is reborn again as an Indian.

S - Why are they looking at us?

Me - Don't know. They have nothing to do and nothing to look at.

S - Mummy! One man seems like scolding me!

Me - Never mind. Maybe they don't like you to look at them

S - Idiots!

J - Mummy, I know why the zoo keepers can train the animals in the zoo.

Me - Why?

J - Cos the animals used to be humans which is why they understand the zoo keeper's language.

Me - (paused)..... (Surprised that she has this kind of 'logical' thinking). Maybe I shouldn't share with them life after death, reincarnation etc.

Touched by an Angel

Friday, 12 Oct 07

I received a sms from HOS's supervisor, Mrs Lim: -
Sorry to sms u so late but I'm just SO SO SO happy with S. I've just finished marking her maths paper. She got 84%! Not by accident. She really worked very hard!

Me: Thk u so much for your help. She's been very determined and told me that she won't give up. She's going to do well for her final year exam.

Mrs Lim: I cried so much last night. I've never been so touched. U'll understand better when I show u her paper. It wasn't an easy paper. In fact I hesitated giving her that.

After reading this text, tears welled up. I too was touched by Mrs Lim.

Me: U have touched our hearts. I promised S that I will get them a DS if they do well in their exam (don't mean to encourage them using material things but I saw how happy they were when they played it the first time with Jen's girl and niece). S said she will work hard for it and will not give up. Thk u so much.

Mrs Lim: :)

I have not seen such a dedicated teacher who not only cares for her students' academic results but also cares for their well being.

I remembered earlier this year, Mrs Lim noticed that S seemed to have a lot of responsibilities/ burdens on herself and stressed that she needs to take care of J etc and J on the other hand, seemed withdrawn at times and not a happy child.

I told her that J has this denial syndrome. Whenever I asked if she misses her daddy, she would change the topic and talk about something else and never answer my questions pertaining to her dad. She never talks about her daddy since he passed on last June and only cried once when I broke the news to them. While on the other hand, S has been crying every now and then and expressing her feelings to me.

So Mrs Lim went to borrow a book on life times (life span of plants, animals, human etc and why they had to die etc) and another story about a boy's dad passed away unexpectedly or a father lost his son due to illness and read to J. After reading the books, Mrs Lim cried and J seemed to feel her compassion and empathy too.

I can't remember if J cried when Mrs Lim was reading that story to her but when she's back at home, she requested me to read the book on life times to her and explain why things/ plants/ animals and human died at various times of their lives unexpectedly. And then, J started to ask why their daddy had to leave us; why now and not later etc. I tried to tackle those questions carefully and towards the end of it, she cried, hugged me and told me she missed her daddy.

The following day, the teachers at HOS seemed to notice that J became more light hearted and cheerful.

I must say, I'm proud that S has achieved so much improvement on her Maths and I'm touched by the Angel.....Mrs Lim.

No doubt, my girls and I lost our loved one but we also get the chance to see how our friends, relatives and strangers show their love and compassion towards us. May all of you be blessed.

DS

Sun, 14 Oct 07

The girls wanted a DS if they do well in their final year exam.

When asked how much does it cost, S first said it's about $60+ but I doubted it's that cheap. A couple of days later, she told me it's more than $200. Then I told them if that's the case, I need Auntie Jen to help me get a cheap one (at least not to be a 'Chai Tow' and ker-tok by someone).

J asked why I need Jen's help. "Cos Auntie Jen has a friend who's selling all these handheld games and I may be able to get it cheaper than outside market rate."

J innocently replied, "Why do you need to get it cheaper? Can't you ask Auntie Jen's friend to give us for FREE?" ....how smart...... how cheapo :P

FREE??....free things are cheese in a mouse trap. I have a bit of class.... not like those Raffles Place aunties/ uncles/ young ladies who will Q-up for those freebies every now and then at the Raffles Place Sq (that's what I called it - RP Sq. Some said the lawn...whatever).