Ask Papa to come to my dream

(photo taken on 19 Jun 99 when S's 5 mths old)

Wed, 9th Jan 08: -

S was already sleeping on the bed and J was sleeping with Mum. I was reading the newspapers when S started to call for me. I asked her to give me 5 mins but she started to beg for me.

Wondering what's wrong with S, I went to her and she's crying.

S - Mummy, I miss Papa very much. Why must he go?

Me - Girl, don't cry. Papa has left us and it's bad for you to cry so often. Papa's body was not working any more. He had to go.

S - But I have not been dreaming of him for so long. I really miss him. Can you ask Papa to come back home early? I want to talk to him....

Me - If you keep crying, Papa won't want to go to your dream cos he doesn't want you to cry. Xiao Su dreamt that Papa told him he's very worried. Papa wants you to be happy and don't be sad any more. Try not to cry and Papa will appear in your dreams.

S - Mummy, I miss him so much. I don't want him to leave us. I really miss him

Me - (crying and hugging her so tightly) Yes I know. I miss him too but we cannot go on crying forever. It's bad for our eyes. We will have him in our heart always and I'm sure he's with us too. Just that we can't see him.

S - Ask Papa to come home. Come to my dream. I'm waiting for him. Tell him that ok?

Me - Yes my darling. I love you. Papa loves you too.

What a Pri 2 girl said

Wed, 9th Jan 08: -

The girls and I were having dinner. Mum was sitting with us, taking her medicine. The girls started to talk about their day at school and J said: -

Today ah, Mr L was teaching us Maths hah and a girl in my class raised her hand and Mr L looked at her and said, "Yes....." then that girl said hah...... "Teacher, your mouth is very smelly leh!"......[Ooops!]

~~~Ha ha ha.....we laughed until 'peng san' and Mum laughed until she cried. ~~~

Then Mr L said, "Oh......ah ah ..... I see. Sorry. Maybe you want to try to move back a bit?

J gave us his stunned and embarrassed look...... and according to J, Mr L was so cautious after that and every time before he wanted to talk to the class, he would try to pop a mint sweet.

Poor teacher, I would dig a hole and put my whole body in if I were in his shoes. So pai-seh ;(

Father figure

Thur, 3 Jan 08: -

Mum's in Sydney with Koons so we went to Shu Ying's place for dinner.

I was chatting with Mike after my dinner and told him what S saw last night.

Before S went to bed, she told me she saw something white in the room. It's big. So when I asked her, she said it's her Papa. I just gave her a smile and asked her to go to bed.

That very night, I dreamt of MS. He's wearing some kind of PAP uniform - White pants and white shirt. I can't recall what's the dream about but I guess maybe he's with us that night.

Told Mike that S misses her Dad a lot. Even when listening to songs or when I told them what we did in the past with their father or when she saw the MediaCorp actor - Chen Hong Yu, she said he resembles her Papa a lot.

Mike added that when the girls stayed over at their place, one particular day/ night, Mike was in the living room, sitting on the floor, doing his work and S just went to him and hugged him tightly from his back. After a short while, S started to cry but didn't say why. Mike reckoned that S was missing her Dad terribly. He assured me that he will be a father figure to the girls, which will be a vital part of their growing up years.

Thanks Mike.

I'll Be There

Mon, 10th Dec 07 :-

I was sending the girls to HOS and was listening to The Escape Club's "I'll Be There" .

S said that's my favourite song and I asked them to listen carefully to the lyrics, it's like their Daddy talking to us:

Over mountains, over trees....Over oceans, over seas.... Across the deserts, I'll be there....
In a whisper on the wind, on the smile of a new friend, just think of me.... and I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love, I'll be watching you from above.... and I'd give all the world tonight to be with you...'Cause I'm on your side, and I still care.... I may have died, but I've gone nowhere just think of me, and I'll be there....

On the edge of a waking dream, over rivers, over streams...through wind and rain, I'll be there....Across the wide and open sky...thousands of miles I'd fly, to be with you... I'll be there.....

In the breath of a wind that sighs,...oh,there's no need to cry...just think of me.... and I'll be there......

Just as we were listening to it and I was driving, I looked at the rear mirror and saw S looking out of the window. When she turned her head and looked at me, tear drops just rolled down her cheek..... Maybe I shouldn't talk about their Papa so much.

It hurts me to see her cry and she said, "Mummy, give Papa back to me."

I wish I could.

Animals in the Zoo

Thur, 29 Nov 07

Driving the girls to Hos and stopped by at a traffic light at the junction of Joo Chiat and Dunman Road. There were about 10 Bangladesh workers squatting by the road side waiting for their pick-up.

Me - Can't imagine your dad is reborn again as an Indian.

S - Why are they looking at us?

Me - Don't know. They have nothing to do and nothing to look at.

S - Mummy! One man seems like scolding me!

Me - Never mind. Maybe they don't like you to look at them

S - Idiots!

J - Mummy, I know why the zoo keepers can train the animals in the zoo.

Me - Why?

J - Cos the animals used to be humans which is why they understand the zoo keeper's language.

Me - (paused)..... (Surprised that she has this kind of 'logical' thinking). Maybe I shouldn't share with them life after death, reincarnation etc.

Touched by an Angel

Friday, 12 Oct 07

I received a sms from HOS's supervisor, Mrs Lim: -
Sorry to sms u so late but I'm just SO SO SO happy with S. I've just finished marking her maths paper. She got 84%! Not by accident. She really worked very hard!

Me: Thk u so much for your help. She's been very determined and told me that she won't give up. She's going to do well for her final year exam.

Mrs Lim: I cried so much last night. I've never been so touched. U'll understand better when I show u her paper. It wasn't an easy paper. In fact I hesitated giving her that.

After reading this text, tears welled up. I too was touched by Mrs Lim.

Me: U have touched our hearts. I promised S that I will get them a DS if they do well in their exam (don't mean to encourage them using material things but I saw how happy they were when they played it the first time with Jen's girl and niece). S said she will work hard for it and will not give up. Thk u so much.

Mrs Lim: :)

I have not seen such a dedicated teacher who not only cares for her students' academic results but also cares for their well being.

I remembered earlier this year, Mrs Lim noticed that S seemed to have a lot of responsibilities/ burdens on herself and stressed that she needs to take care of J etc and J on the other hand, seemed withdrawn at times and not a happy child.

I told her that J has this denial syndrome. Whenever I asked if she misses her daddy, she would change the topic and talk about something else and never answer my questions pertaining to her dad. She never talks about her daddy since he passed on last June and only cried once when I broke the news to them. While on the other hand, S has been crying every now and then and expressing her feelings to me.

So Mrs Lim went to borrow a book on life times (life span of plants, animals, human etc and why they had to die etc) and another story about a boy's dad passed away unexpectedly or a father lost his son due to illness and read to J. After reading the books, Mrs Lim cried and J seemed to feel her compassion and empathy too.

I can't remember if J cried when Mrs Lim was reading that story to her but when she's back at home, she requested me to read the book on life times to her and explain why things/ plants/ animals and human died at various times of their lives unexpectedly. And then, J started to ask why their daddy had to leave us; why now and not later etc. I tried to tackle those questions carefully and towards the end of it, she cried, hugged me and told me she missed her daddy.

The following day, the teachers at HOS seemed to notice that J became more light hearted and cheerful.

I must say, I'm proud that S has achieved so much improvement on her Maths and I'm touched by the Angel.....Mrs Lim.

No doubt, my girls and I lost our loved one but we also get the chance to see how our friends, relatives and strangers show their love and compassion towards us. May all of you be blessed.

DS

Sun, 14 Oct 07

The girls wanted a DS if they do well in their final year exam.

When asked how much does it cost, S first said it's about $60+ but I doubted it's that cheap. A couple of days later, she told me it's more than $200. Then I told them if that's the case, I need Auntie Jen to help me get a cheap one (at least not to be a 'Chai Tow' and ker-tok by someone).

J asked why I need Jen's help. "Cos Auntie Jen has a friend who's selling all these handheld games and I may be able to get it cheaper than outside market rate."

J innocently replied, "Why do you need to get it cheaper? Can't you ask Auntie Jen's friend to give us for FREE?" ....how smart...... how cheapo :P

FREE??....free things are cheese in a mouse trap. I have a bit of class.... not like those Raffles Place aunties/ uncles/ young ladies who will Q-up for those freebies every now and then at the Raffles Place Sq (that's what I called it - RP Sq. Some said the lawn...whatever).